I love you
the end.

Would you rather tell yourself
I'll be OK,
And all this adolescent angst
Will go away?

my head
it be spinning
baha

x__x

If there's something behind death, I sure hope it's bliss.... because I don't think eternal bliss is even real...

why can't I be different? Why can't things change?

I just wish god didnt have the power to choose fate...

sometimes it feels that god is a boy with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant.

That all that I have been not be in vain,
But blend into the earth of your believing.
Though I chose death instead of pointless pain,
My love and need for all of you remain.

C:

My heart is like a symphony
That sings of only pain.
Of all that makes a life worthwhile,
Only you remain.

Only in the thought of you
Safe and cared for well
Can I find happiness within
My self-inflicted hell.

Only in my love for you
Is there sufficient grace
For me to want to live at all
In this forsaken place.

Were life not beautiful?
And love not full of light?
I could, perhaps, embrace the rage
Of an embittered night.

But as it is, I cannot help
But hope for what might be:
That though I gave you up, you might
Someday, somehow love me.

-best poem.

you must love to see me like this.

I've lost the match
in all it's entirety.
I've bled through my soul
for nothing at all.
time does not cure all...
I know that from personal experience.

if you could only feel the emptiness I feel; and if only I can skip these years.

Trying to make new friends isn't very easy...

Well, first off I'm just nervous as fuck when it comes down to things. My therapist says that I over think a lot of things and this is one of them... I've always dreamed of myself having like a little group of friends, and I've noticed that I have this huge void that grows bigger and bigger from not having friends in the first place. I mean, shit it's difficult. I have to hang around with Jordan a lot... and he doesn't like talking to other people when I'm with him. So basically, after school from now on, I need to sit with other people other than Jordan. I really don't want to push my relationship and make Jordan talk to his Dad anymore yaddayadda... cause I know he's not going to do it, and if he does, he doesn't actually want to. That's why I need to make friends... so I can go to shows, sleepovers, parties, movies, and do all the fun teenager stuff that I've been wanting to do. I need a lot of luck here though... it's pretty damn scary making new friends.

I haven't been this depressed in awhile now. I'm really not pround of myself, you see. I don't know why though... I can't put a finger on what is making me feel so hopeless... I'm guessing it's a complete mixture of things. I hate sobbing for something I don't even know. I have this weird feeling every time that happens... it's not a feeling of freedom, it's a feeling of being trapped. I have a bubble around me, I suppose, that's making me feel this way. I really want to run out the door and rip all my clothes off and turn into the hulk... well, not really... I don't know how to explain how i feel... but it's mostly trapped. And I'm really fuckin scared. I'm usually scared of myself, which that could be the issue now, but I really don't know. I wish I can peal my skin back or something... or I wish feelings were tangible so I can just break them... Is that why I cut? I don't know... shit... I hate this feeling... It really freaks me out.

may I have a word with you?

Hey you. Do you know that youre ruining my life? I mean, I let you in, I did, when I was what... 10? Yeah yeah... you were my friend... you were. You showed me not to give a fuck and how to fight back... but youve taken over...
can't you see that I dont need you? That you're not who I am? Well... Since you're definitively a part of me, and you're not going away... I'm going to have to force you out. You can't be in this world. You're fuckin crazy. You really are...
Youre a plague... and since you can't get out, you make me one, too. Don't you see that?
You hurt everyone I care about... My mom, dad, brothers, friends, boyfriend, etc. You ruin my relationships with people, and scare me away from my own thoughts. Youre the one that makes me hurt myself... you make me punish myself for what you have done... Can't you just leave me alone? Can I control my mind instead of you? You got me into my ditch, and I'm trying to get out... you keep pushing me back in. That's why I'm taking this chance.. I want to better the world, not make it worse, and theres too many people like you on this planet... which is why we don't need another. Don't worry... you'll be gone by tomorrow.. And I know youre scared.. And you call me the fuckin idiot. You call me the fuckin wimp. Just leave me alone. Let me be happy. and please stop destroying my life. Good bye to all and to all a good night.
<3

I WANT A BOYFRIEND THAT...

Loves me.
Has a good sense of humor.
is an adventurer.
Isn't bound and gagged by his parents, school, or society.
Thinks I'm pretty. :D
is SKINNY!
Smokes weed.
Isn't hxc.
Likes punk rawk.
Likes to go to shows regularly.
Is vegetarian.
Likes piercings.
Can Swim.
Thinks I have a smexy tummy. :D
IS SMEXY. :p
Has a big cock. >.>
Protects me.

contemplating
stuff right now
cutting again.
it's getting hard to hide now...
I'm going to start doing it on my thighs soon instead.
that should work... right?
I really need a box cutter... to make those nice skinny cuts that bleed a hell of a lot. Those are too nice.... ahhhh.... *sighs*

It's hard to dance with the devil on your back.

I should take more pictures of my poor arm. But not right now.

Contemplating to run away....
Home life is getting a lot fuckin worse than it was. I don't feel like explaining it, though, because I hate thinking about it. It's not a refuge here, it's a living hell.

I started to cut again too.... I'm hoping that I'll faint or maybe, if I'm lucky, actually die. Probably not though... I don't have my old box cutter. Only this dule xacto knife.


maybe I can be cliche and kill myself in the bathtub.


Well... Yeah... I'm going to be taking a lot of stupid chances now. You see, I think irrational. And that sucks, I guess...